Gallery of the absurd, Kuta

It's rude and irreverent to poke fun at misspellings, baffling grammar, and bizarre juxtapositions in a foreign country. Nevertheless, I really must point out a few more of these, this time from Kuta, before I become so accustomed to such sights that I fail to notice them altogether. We will be moving on to Ubud in a few days, but I doubt that Ubud has absurdities like these to offer. If it has its own, I'll be sure to post them in due course.

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Owing to ignorance, I was at first amused by the doctors' names at this clinic in the midst of a local bar district.  So were some of my Facebook friends, who allowed as how they could at long last warm to a dentist, if only he or she were called Dr. Gigi.  Bill was particularly intrigued.  I later learned the truth, which was nearly as absurd as a dentist with a sassy French name. Dokter Umum means "Dr. Generic," and Dokter Gigi means, literally, the appropriately menacing "Dr. Tooth."

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The staff at Hotel Terrace at Kuta might be the best sports in the entire world.

One of the guards is such a good sport that he has been grilling me daily with Indonesian language lessons.

"Apa kabarrr" ("How are you?") he will begin, and I am expected to answer appropriately. I say I am very good indeed, to which he responds, "Thank you."  This doesn't make a great deal of sense to me. Maybe he is teaching me my next everyday Indonesian phrase.  In any event, I am now expected to reply, "Sama sama" ("You're welcome"), at which he will look quite pleased and give me a thumbs-up.  One day he took me into the uncharted territory of "selamat" greetings, which involve also remembering the words for "morning," "afternoon," "evening," and "night." When this proved too much for me, he relented, grinning broadly. I'm sure he finds my attempts at his language fairly absurd in themselves.

The staff here neither celebrates Christmas nor understands its full meaning. They have their own holidays, one of them honored around the same time of the year.  Nevertheless, they all join in the merriment because this is such a generally jolly season. So, when a heavily bearded Santa appeared at our breakfast table Christmas morning and exclaimed, "Mary Kreesmahss! Apa kabarrr!" I had no doubt who it was and how to respond, lest I receive a lump of coal.

Still, when the wearing of antlers and Santa hats first began in earnest, shortly after we arrived here, it was hard to miss some expressions of sheepish chagrin over our peculiar holiday.

"I hope this hat looks a little cute on me."         "But why am I wearing horns?"

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Asian malls can be a great source of amusement, but those in Thailand have become so westernized that they offer fewer quirks than does Carrefour on Sunset in Kuta. While riding the stepless escalator (a great improvement over our own disappearing trip-me-up steps), I looked out the plate-glass window to my left and saw a herd of small cattle grazing in a pasture below. If I hadn't been watching my step, out of habit, I would have snapped their picture.  Here is a picture of one of these wonderful escalators instead.

At the entrance to the department store on the third level stands a striking WELCOME waxwork that appears anything but welcoming. In fact, he looks like a modern guard dvarapala. With his alarmed, unsmiling expression; taut, upturned toes; and flamboyant "keep-away" hands and stance, he seems to be saying, not "Welcome, you lovely Americans! Come! Spend your money!" but rather "Enter if you dare!" Perhaps he was put there because the culture is so used to setting up guardian statues at entrances everywhere, to keep the demons out. And then someone thought it advisable to soften the message by adding a "welcome" sign as well.

But the men's furnishings department softens no messages in its packaging. This one's for you, you super-sized slob. For your comfort, of course, until you lose that gut. Shame might well be the deterrent that keeps so many Balinese men slim.

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Right up the lane from a nearby Best Western is a down-at-the-heels establishment where people might choose to stay, were it not for its unfortunate name.

And this clumsily phrased sign is still so well understood by everyone that no stray vehicles, with or without flat tires, can ever be found along the alley.

Gallery of the Absurd

Spend any time at all in Thailand and you'll discover one of its hidden delights. Signs and sights are often incongruously screwy. More than once you'll find yourself knitting your brow, scratching your head, and thinking, "Huh?"  People write whole blogs about this topic because the material is everywhere, though it is beginning to disappear with the whitewash of westernization.  

In fact, the Thais may be becoming ashamed of their own typos. Seen on jersey barriers along a highway: a series of signs that read "SAFETY FIRT" in enormous, bold black letters. A few yards farther along, the offending typos had been blacked out so that the signs read simply "SAFETY." Finally, a few of them had been triumphantly corrected to "SAFETY FIRST."

A gallery of the absurd for your amusement:

The traditional Thai greeting, similar to the Japanese bow, is a prayerful
gesture called the wai (pronounced "why").  Here, Ronald McDonald offers both wai and wifi.

Where else could one find a hotel inadvertently designed to simulate a luxury liner colliding with a lighthouse?

Seen in an Aussie bar on Walking Street. Arabs keep out, but we respect your beliefs.

Entering Walking Street, you may expect "Passion of Colourful Paradise."
Could this be something like Disney's "Let the magic begin"?

Upon exiting Walking Street, you are wished a passionate evening ... I think.

We understand no smoking in the elevator, but what is that other ban all about?
Only in Thailand might you see a sign forbidding opened durian fruit.
Otherwise known as the world's stinkiest fruit, durian
tastes heavenly but smells like a cross between raw sewage and advanced decay.
Even Andrew Zimmern couldn't get past the smell to taste the ambrosia. 

The first line describing Koh Samet in a hotel handout makes it sound like
an S&M paradise: "A most idyllic Island for bathing and restraining."  What?

This international restaurant offers not only Thai, European, Chinese, and
Japanese food, but also free gruel! Count me in for this deal.
Another restaurant on the same street advertises "Western-style Chinese
food."  Pu-pu platter, anyone?

Pattaya also shows an absolute lack of reserve about matters that Westerners might find tasteless. 

Obviously a great deal of beer is drunk in this establishment. Ironically, the
toilet is located seemingly a mile away, in an adjacent hotel's garden.

These two off-color "laffs for the day" appeared in our luxury hotel's lobby.
But that's okay; there are no English-speaking children staying here.

Observed above the hippo pond at Khao Kheow Zoo. It's touching that they care
more for their animals than for the well-being of your cell phone.

Come to Thailand, and you'll find that the list indeed gose on.