Girl talk

Pattaya, Thailand, has more cheek-by-jowl bars than Key West and is aswarm with bar girls who earn their keep by enticing loyal customers into their establishments; obtaining points for every drink that a delirious customer might buy them; playing games like Score 4, dice, and Quando with them; and sometimes, but not necessarily, sleeping with them.

It's rare to see a farang (foreign, white) woman sitting at one of these bars. Men are either here, alone or in groups, on their own holidays, or their wives take them directly to restaurants or the beach. Do not pass GO. Visit none of this town's seedily cordial hangouts.

But if, as I've said before, a white woman does sit down at a bar--probably with her husband--and attempts to speak Thai and interact with the girls, a few universal female truths begin to emerge.

These girls love talking with other women. I suspect they like them better than men. Who can blame them?

Almost without fail, they will ask how many babies you have had. You share how many of each type (pooying or poochai) you have had and then try to convey what their ages are, in Thai. The bar girl will then tell you how many she has had, and their respective ages. Bar girls usually have had at least one child, currently back home with mama and papa in the provinces, where they receive the proceeds of mom's bar work. All this is a requisite ice-breaking exchange, after which everyone feels more happy and comfortable with one another.

Next, you share what your own age is, at which everyone exclaims over your glowing youth. I just love these kids.  Some of them are younger than my own.

If you return to a bar often enough and get to know the girls well enough, they will also vent about their boyfriends or former husbands. This is a common theme.

Pat confided in me, "God pretend me!" I hazarded a guess that this meant "God protects me." I may or may not have got that right. But the basic story was that Pat can't stand German guys.  With eloquent sign language, she communicated that her German boyfriend was too regimented and rigid. Then she made a sign on her upper lip that made me wonder whether he was also a cocaine addict.

It was worse than that, she told me.  "He like Hitler! Everyone hate Hitler!" Apparently he is a neo-Nazi. She has been with him for several years in spite of this. Sign language and inflections can also convey "roller-coaster relationship" real well.

"Two year, up, up, up, wooooo!  Then boom!  Later, crick, crick, crick, back up. God send me new boyfriend, please!"

One female bar owner in Bangkok bent my ear for an entire evening about her worthless boyfriend, who had left her for a ladyboy. A truly beautiful woman, she was understandably devastated. I quickly learned how to say "Leave the bum!" in Thai, and got to use it once again with a masseuse in Pattaya, who does Thai boxing in her spare time and had the same experience with her boyfriend.

I became fond of the mama-sans at many bars, though I don't envy them the job of keeping a dozen flighty and temperamental girls in hand, smiling warmly all the while. Hearts of gold, these ladies.

My friend here helped me succeed at the devilishly tricky block-balancing game that is Quando. I witnessed another mama deliberately throw a game of Connect 4 to make a customer feel more at home at her bar, though she admitted that she wouldn't do so for Russians, who arrogantly try to avoid paying for anything.

But the true universal among women, apparently around the world, is their dissatisfaction with one or more parts of their body. I was astounded to have bar girls ask me what the word for "collarbone," "breastbone," and "cheekbones" were, apparently because mine were enviable.  What?

Saddest of all is the Thai disdain for dark skin. These stunningly bronze creatures would consider "You've got a great tan there" the worst possible insult. Bar girls with naturally light skin even try to make the most of it by also bleaching their hair.

Even sadder, one sees images like these all over town. Political correctness has no foothold in Pattaya.

Even cosmetics reflect this attitude.

In search of sunscreen, I found a 50-SPI product with
"5 in 1" protection, but will I also be whitened against my will?

Bill tells me that, during the Vietnam War era, this toothpaste brand caused such an uproar among black GIs that its name had to be altered from "Darkie." This is why its current name makes no sense whatsoever.